How '30-Minute Meetings' Strain Parenting and Work: Strategic Shift to Asynchronous Communication

The Truth About "30-Minute Meetings" I Only Saw After Becoming a Father

About a month and a half has passed since my son was born at the end of February this year. I've been experiencing both the joy of welcoming a new life and the significant changes it brings to daily life. And there's something I realized only after becoming a father. It's the existence of "invisible burdens" that I completely failed to understand before becoming a parent myself.

To be honest, before becoming a parent, I inwardly thought, "Is it really that difficult?" when colleagues declined meetings because of childcare responsibilities. I assumed that a 30-minute meeting wouldn't be that much of a burden. I'm now embarrassed by my former self for thinking this way.

In my previous article, "Intimate Coexistence of Parenting and Work in the AI Era: Future Work Approaches Glimpsed From Days With a Newborn", I wrote about the possibility of continuing development through fragmented time by collaborating with AI (Vibe Coding). There, I shared a positive outlook on the new possibilities for balancing childcare and work.

However, in the course of my actual parenting life, I've encountered new challenges that cannot be solved through AI collaboration. That is the issue of synchronous communication in remote work, especially "brief meetings."

"Since you're raising a child, would you like to have just a casual 30-minute meeting instead?"

I've been receiving such considerate offers more frequently. I truly appreciate such thoughtfulness. However, I've also noticed that declining these "short" and "casual" meetings causes unexpected psychological stress. Moreover, there's anxiety and guilt that comes from worrying that people might think, "You're even refusing this?" after I decline a meeting that was considerately offered.

In this article, I delve into the "invisible burden" of synchronous meetings in balancing childcare and remote work. Based on my own experiences and reflections, I want to explore the possibilities and practical methods of "asynchronous communication" as a new way of working in the AI era. I aim to present concrete solutions while not only advocating for parents but also ensuring that people without childcare experience or those who have forgotten such experiences can understand, and while respecting the perspectives of organizations and colleagues.

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The Tip of the Iceberg: "Just a 30-Minute Meeting"

You might wonder, "Why is a mere 30-minute meeting such a burden?" Indeed, 30 minutes itself is not a long time. However, this is only the tip of the iceberg (extremely important), and many invisible burdens lurk beneath the surface.

The Invisible Effort of Preparation and Adjustment

Participating in a meeting involves more than just the time spent in the meeting itself. In my case, the following preparations and adjustments are necessary:

• Coordination with my partner: Since I need my partner to take care of our child during the meeting, I have to consider their schedule too.
• Environment setup: I need to secure a quiet environment as much as possible to prevent my child's crying or domestic noises from interrupting.
• Psychological preparation: Dealing with the anxiety of "What if my child starts crying during the meeting?"

These preparations and adjustments require additional time and effort before and after the meeting. So, in reality, it's not "just 30 minutes," but a burden that includes the time before and after.

While I don't personally worry much about the psychological burden since I'm setting up meetings with people who know my situation, it's important to have the imagination to understand that there's a particularly heavy burden on my wife, whose face and name aren't even seen by the other party.

The Stress of Declining

Even more troublesome is the stress I feel when declining such meetings. I experience the following psychological conflicts:

• Feeling sorry towards those who have been considerate: Especially when they've been thoughtful enough to say, "We're keeping it short because you're raising a child," the psychological hurdle to decline becomes even higher.
• Anxiety about being perceived as lacking work commitment: The fear that others might think, "Is childcare just an excuse?" or "Does this person lack motivation for work?"
• Internal conflict: The inner questioning of, "As a professional, shouldn't I be able to handle at least this much?"

It's precisely because I can easily be invited to such meetings that I don't want to decline specific work. It's because I strongly desire to work in my most high-performing state that the stress of declining becomes even greater.

Dealing with these emotions is also part of the invisible burden, which can be termed "emotional labor." Emotional labor is a concept proposed by sociologist Arlie Hochschild, referring to the effort required to manage emotions necessary for job duties¹. In this case, it corresponds to the effort to manage negative emotions such as guilt and anxiety about declining.

High Switching Costs

Switching between childcare and work requires more energy than one might imagine. In psychology, this is known as "switching costs," a term that's probably familiar².

• Switching focus: The cognitive burden of transitioning from childcare to work mode, and then back to childcare mode after the meeting.
• Reorganizing information: The effort to quickly refresh the necessary information for the meeting.
• Emotional adjustment: Transitioning from the emotional engagement of childcare to a professional attitude at work.

This switching cost must be paid more frequently as synchronous meetings occur sporadically.

The Stress of Declining and Invisible Burdens: The True Cost of Short Meetings

To understand the essence of the burden imposed by synchronous meetings more deeply, I'd like to examine it from the perspectives of psychology and behavioral science.

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Cognitive Load and Divided Attention

When working remotely while raising children, one's attention is constantly divided. From a cognitive psychology perspective, this means an increase in "cognitive load"³. Cognitive load refers to the amount of mental effort required to perform a task.

During childcare, there's already a high baseline cognitive load as one's constantly concerned about the child's condition while working. When a synchronous meeting is added, the following additional burdens are imposed:

• Processing multiple information streams simultaneously: Understanding the content of the meeting while monitoring the child's condition.
• Need for immediate response: Synchronous meetings require real-time responses to questions and comments, demanding high concentration and responsiveness.
• Dealing with unpredictability: The pressure of maintaining professional responses while coping with unpredictable situations, such as the child suddenly crying.

Availability Heuristic and Perception Gap

In psychology, there's a concept called the "availability heuristic"⁴. This refers to the tendency for people to make judgments or evaluations based on information or examples that come readily to mind. This concept helps explain the perception gap regarding short meetings during childcare.

Colleagues without childcare experience or those for whom a long time has passed since their childcare experience tend to underestimate the burden of a "30-minute meeting." This is because relevant examples of difficulty are not "available" in their memory or experience. Meanwhile, parents who are currently raising children have vivid memories of recent struggles and difficult experiences, and thus perceive the same situation as having a greater burden.

This perception gap creates friction in communication and makes mutual understanding difficult. It's not easy to understand burdens one hasn't experienced. Therefore, a situation arises where people before parenthood need to know, and even those with parenting experience may have forgotten, or may not know because they were at the office during the day.

Boundary Theory and the Blurring of Work-Home Boundaries

Though technical terms continue to appear, "boundary theory" is a concept that explains how people establish and manage boundaries between different life domains (like work and home)⁵. Remote work tends to blur the boundaries between these domains by removing the physical workplace and home boundary.

This boundary ambiguity becomes particularly pronounced when working remotely while raising children. Work responsibilities and childcare responsibilities constantly coexist in the same physical space. Synchronous meetings further complicate this boundary.

Synchronous meetings create moments where the world of work directly intervenes in the domain of home. Therefore, they require additional mental effort to manage the boundaries between different life domains, beyond merely "30 minutes of time."

AI-Era Collaboration and Asynchronous Communication: A Breakthrough Appears

As mentioned in my previous article, "Intimate Coexistence of Parenting and Work in the AI Era: Future Work Approaches Glimpsed From Days With a Newborn", the AI collaborative development (Vibe Coding) I began around the time of my son's birth revealed a new possibility for utilizing fragmented time. This experience contains important implications for balancing childcare and remote work. That is redesigning work based on "asynchronous communication."

The Value of Asynchronous Learning from AI Collaboration

The most innovative aspect of AI collaboration was liberation from dependence on temporal continuity. In traditional programming, an intensive "flow state" was considered key to productivity. However, in collaborative development with AI, as human roles shift to "implementation instructions" and "direction confirmation," meaningful progress becomes possible even in fragmented time.

From this experience, I began to think that similar concepts could be applied to communication between humans. That is, a transition to a way of working based on asynchronous communication rather than real-time synchronous exchanges.

Synchronous and Asynchronous Communication: Their Respective Characteristics

Synchronous communication (video conferences, phone calls, etc.) and asynchronous communication (email, chat, shared documents, etc.) have different characteristics. Understanding these differences enables the selection of appropriate communication methods.

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Unexpected Benefits of Asynchronous Communication

Asynchronous communication has more value than just "being able to respond at convenient times." Particularly in balancing childcare and remote work, it has the following unexpected benefits:

• Time for contemplation: Asynchronous communication ensures time to think before replying. This enables higher-quality thinking and responses. It allows for gradually organizing thoughts during breaks in childcare.
• Record keeping: Asynchronous communication naturally leaves a record. Since memory can decline during childcare⁶, having records that can be referenced later is extremely valuable.
• Efficient use of concentration: Limited concentration can be allocated to the most necessary tasks. Concentration that would be consumed in synchronous meetings can be redirected to essential work.
• Ability to respond to unpredictability: It allows for continuity of work while responding to children's unpredictable needs.

By the way, even before my child was born, I had been focusing on asynchronous work for the past few years, and as a result, I've rarely answered phone calls. From the beginning of founding the company, external services have been handling the company phone (as a side note, this revealed that most calls were from sales representatives). While there are preferences between synchronous and asynchronous, asynchronous work suited me as I wanted to concentrate on programming tasks.

Beyond the Dichotomy of Parenting and Work: Environmental Arrangement as Personal Responsibility

Here, I want to share an important value. In this article, I've advocated for new parents, including myself. On the other hand, as we seek understanding, I believe it's only natural to maximize performance within constraints and contribute to companies and teams.

I believe that "even with childcare, it's better to work with full effort for one's career and company." I don't support reducing work contributions due to childcare. However, this doesn't necessarily mean maintaining traditional work styles.

The False Dichotomy of "Parenting or Career"

Society has long had the schema of a dichotomy between "parenting or career." Especially in Japanese society, this situation of being forced to choose one or the other has continued⁷. However, with the evolution of technology and transformation of work styles, the possibility of transcending this dichotomy has emerged.

My thinking is simple. I want to fulfill my responsibilities as a parent while continuing to provide high value at work. To achieve this, it's necessary to break away from the traditional way of working that assumes "synchronous and continuous time" and transition to a new "asynchronous and distributed" way of working.

Environmental Arrangement as Personal Responsibility

This might sound a bit harsh, but wanting to have children is a personal choice, not a company choice. That's why I believe the responsibility to arrange an environment to contribute to both the company and oneself lies with oneself. One shouldn't use childcare as an excuse, but should be prepared to make even more effort for the company and team.

Specifically, the following personal responsibilities are important:

• Sharing the premises of your environment: It's essential that "timing is most important" and to share before problems arise. There's no room for acceptance after problems occur. By sharing childcare constraints in advance, it becomes easier to gain understanding from others.
• Establishing a work style based on asynchronous communication: Building work flows that don't depend on synchronous communication.
• Redefining how to provide value: Finding ways to measure and provide one's value by "results" rather than "time."

I strongly believe that the difficulties experienced in childcare become nourishment for life. Because there are constraints, it's necessary to devise, increase efficiency, and consequently produce more value than before. It's precisely because one doesn't choose the easy path that it becomes a valuable experience when looking back later.

Changes in Parenting and Work Styles from a Timeline Perspective

Looking back at my own changes in parenting and work style chronologically reveals what kind of evolution has taken place.

Opening the Breakthrough: Practical Strategies to Optimize Remote Work While Parenting

Theory alone doesn't change reality. So, I'd like to share practical strategies that I've found effective through trial and error. These should be useful for people aiming to balance childcare and remote work, especially parents working in the technology field.

Setting Expectations in Advance: Communication Before Problems Arise

The most important thing is to set expectations before problems occur. Timing is extremely important, and once problems arise, it's too late for acceptance.

The methods I practice are as follows:

• Frankly sharing my situation and constraints: Rather than hiding that I'm raising a child, I communicate specific constraints (for example, "I find it difficult to respond from 3 PM to 5 PM due to daycare pickup").
• Actively proposing alternatives: Instead of simply saying "I can't," making constructive proposals like "Would detailed minutes and asynchronous feedback work instead of a synchronous meeting?"
• Clearly stating my commitment: When communicating constraints, simultaneously showing a strong commitment to "still provide high value." I frankly express my desire to "provide more value than usual, even while raising a child."

By the way, I also actively use this blog as an alternative. I remember matters that have been consulted about and compile them into blog posts instead of meetings or event speeches, serving as a means to convey my thoughts. This allows me to provide information asynchronously to people who want to know my thoughts.

As I've said multiple times because it's important, doing all of this before problems arise is everything. Explaining your situation after problems occur is completely ineffective.

Tools and Methods to Realize Asynchronous Communication

The selection of appropriate tools and methods is crucial for implementing a work style based on asynchronous communication. Below are methods I've actually found effective.

• Active use of shared documents: Instead of meetings, organizing information in shared documents and providing feedback via comment functions. This allows each person to contribute at convenient times.
• Threading chats and clarifying expectations: When using chat, threading by topic and specifying "urgency" and "expected reply timing." For example, "I'd like your opinion by tomorrow."
• Asynchronous presentations: Sharing important information as recorded short videos or detailed documents, and accepting questions and feedback asynchronously.
• Utilizing AI tools: Using AI tools for meeting summaries, creating minutes, organizing follow-up tasks, etc., to enhance the quality of asynchronous communication.

Many of these tools and methodologies would typically not advance without the understanding of teams and companies. Fortunately, they were likely introduced in many companies as part of DX promotion when remote work became widespread during the COVID-19 pandemic.

Mutual Understanding and Shared Responsibility: Prospects for Future Work Styles

Based on the challenges and solutions discussed so far, I'd like to finally share my outlook on future work styles. Work styles that balance childcare and career require not only individual effort but also transformations in organizations and society.

Conditions for Working Parents to Continue High Contributions

I believe that "it's better to work with full effort even with childcare," but this becomes possible only under specific conditions.

• A culture that values asynchronous communication: An organizational culture that values "making high-quality contributions" rather than "responding immediately."
• Result-based evaluation: A system that evaluates "how much value was created" rather than "how much time was spent working."
• Flexibility and autonomy: An environment where there's a certain autonomy regarding "when, where, and how to work."
• Mutual understanding and consideration: A culture of mutual respect with understanding of the burdens of childcare and simultaneous consideration for those without childcare responsibilities.

However, one must not forget that "freedom comes with responsibility." If one seeks a high-freedom work style, one must certainly produce results commensurate with that freedom. Without the readiness to bear that responsibility, one has no choice but to accept traditional work styles.

I don't want to coddle working parents. If they want to balance both family and work within their constraints, it's only natural to make maximum efforts. And as a parent of a newborn myself, I hope that such efforts will one day be rewarded.

Securing "Human Time" Brought by Collaboration with AI

Collaborative development with AI not only enhances operational efficiency but also has the potential to bring about more fundamental transformation. That is securing "human time."

Childcare inherently demands "human time." Interaction with children isn't something that can be mechanically efficient; it requires a qualitative investment of time. Through collaboration with AI, we can expect the following changes:

• Automation of routine tasks: As AI handles routine tasks, humans can concentrate on work requiring creativity and judgment.
• Organization and summarization of information: With AI organizing and summarizing large amounts of information, essential judgments become possible even in fragmented time.
• Communication support: AI supporting the preparation and post-processing of communication improves the quality of human-to-human dialogue.
• New integration of work and life: With AI support, a new lifestyle where "work and life" are organically integrated becomes possible, rather than a dichotomy between the two.

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Next-Generation Work Styles: The Future Visible Through Parenting

The challenges in balancing childcare and remote work actually mirror the future of work styles as a whole. The "just a 30-minute meeting" problem reveals the broader issue of excessive dependence on synchronous communication in work styles.

While watching my son grow, I envision the following future of work:

• Collaboration liberated from time and place: More free and flexible forms of collaboration that don't depend on physical synchronicity or location. However, I sometimes want to choose to work humanly as a team.
• Work styles that accommodate diverse life stages: Flexible work styles that adapt to various stages of life, such as childcare periods, career development periods, and caregiving periods.
• Harmony between technology and humanity: A society where technology like AI supports human creativity and relationships, enabling more human-like ways of working.

Childcare is certainly challenging, but it's also a valuable opportunity to reconsider our work styles and organizational forms. I hope that the contemplation that began with the stress of declining "just a 30-minute meeting" will lead to broader transformations in work styles.

From Personal Experience to Social Implications

This contemplation, which began with the personal struggle of being unable to decline "just a 30-minute meeting," actually has meaning beyond a mere personal concern. It's about the fundamental restructuring of work styles and lifestyles.

The possibilities of asynchronous communication seen from experiences with AI collaboration, the structure of "invisible burdens" that emerged from the experience of parenting, and the new form of integration that transcends the dichotomy of "childcare or career." These are personal experiences, yet they suggest transformations in the work styles of society as a whole.

My belief that "even with childcare, it's better to work with full effort for one's career and company" doesn't mean a return to old work styles. Rather, it's a vision that can be realized precisely through new work styles.

I myself have just started parenting and will likely encounter many more challenges and discoveries. I also recognize my current situation where my child hasn't had any major illnesses. If circumstances change, my thinking might change significantly too.

Nevertheless, I want to pursue a lifestyle that doesn't compromise on either childcare or work by organizing my environment, sharing constraints as premises, and practicing new work styles like asynchronous communication. I hope that the insights gained in this process will be of help to people facing similar challenges and organizations seeking transformations in work styles.

References

Footnotes

1. Hochschild, A. R. "The Managed Heart: Commercialization of Human Feeling." University of California Press, 1983. A pioneering study that conceptualized emotional management in the workplace as "emotional labor." ↩

2. American Psychological Association. "Multitasking: Switching costs." https://www.apa.org/topics/research/multitasking (accessed October 20, 2006). This outlines research on the cognitive costs associated with task switching. ↩

3. Yukawa, Takumi. "Three Points to Control Cognitive Load for Easier Work." note, 2023. This explains the concept of cognitive load and methods to control it. ↩

4. Tversky, A., & Kahneman, D. "Availability: A heuristic for judging frequency and probability." Cognitive Psychology, 5(2), 207-232 (1973). A classic study on the availability heuristic. ↩

5. Kreiner, G. E., Hollensbe, E. C., & Sheep, M. L. "Balancing borders and bridges: Negotiating the work-home interface via boundary work tactics." Academy of Management Journal, 52(4), 704-730 (2009). This studies boundary theory and work-home boundary management. ↩

6. Crawley, R., Wilkie, R. M., Grant, S., Fearon, H., & Spicer, L. "How Parenthood Changes Brain Function: A Review of the Evidence for Neuroplasticity from Pregnancy to Late Parenthood." Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 135, 104598 (2022). The latest review on changes in brain function due to becoming a parent. ↩

7. Gender Equality Bureau Cabinet Office. "Creating a Workplace Environment Where People Can Continue to Work While Balancing Childcare, Nursing Care, etc." This outlines policies related to balancing work and childcare in Japan. ↩